Money and me have never been “friends!” In fact, like many others, we’re barely acquainted. These days! Perhaps that mindset needs to change! In my case, it’s decades overdue!
As children, we develop our attitudes towards money and it’s often not healthy or productive. Let’s take a look at how we end up with the mindset we often have; that mindset that holds us back. It hurts to know that we could be doing so much better! I’m going to be brutally honest with my soul-searching. I want to get you thinking! Something in here may help you heal. All of us need some degree of healing! Denial doesn’t help.
Money and Me: Day One
I was born with absolutely no preconceived ideas or attitudes; you were probably the same. We all very quickly picked up notions about life just by watching the people around us. Incidentally, everyone thinks we are cute little bundles of love, but in reality, we are dry sponges who are soaking up ideas faster than a diaper! Adults forget how malleable we are. In addition to that, we are unable to filter what we see, hear or feel. Consequently, as our baby brains develop, confusion grows right along.
We Must Search our Memories!
Children hear and see so much and a lot of it doesn’t make any sense! If no one takes time to teach us, we create our own scenarios. Any decent parent would try to correct wrong attitudes as they see them develop! Unless, they don’t see it! As abnormal. I think that is often the case because they are repeating what they learned as normal behavior. As a result, we develop a very warped world view. I’m speaking for myself. Our parents usually grew up much in the same way as they parented us.
I spent my childhood in a very dysfunctional home so I heard a lot of crazy stuff – from all sides! It is harmful when a parent deliberately tells the child he/she doesn’t deserve anything. One line I distinctly remember is, “What you need is to live through a good, hard depression!” Another, “You didn’t do enough today to earn the air you breathe!” I’ve never figured out which definition of depression he was using; medical or economical?
Money and Me; Not Everyone is on Our Side
Incidentally, talk about feeling worthless! However, deep inside, I knew I was working harder for him than most other farm kids. Therefore, I actually took some pride in my work, like being able to drive the tractor in a straight line! He never tried to correct his hateful remarks; never said he loved me. Just repeated the line about depression. The 1929 depression really affected my father and he was bitter because of it. He was in his early 20s then. In addition to going through the depression, I don’t think he was close to his father; that may have played a bigger part. And I never knew what he was dealing with until later. As children, we think a parents bad mood/anger/bitterness has to be because of us! That may or may not be true.
Who Influenced You? Money and Me or You
My dad never came across as ambitious or greedy, but he did swindle his own mother. He wanted what everyone else had but didn’t want to do the work that was required. Moreover, he bragged to a neighbor that he hd sold two loads of grain but only told his mother that he sold one. (Grandma owned the farm. My father was supposedly working the farm on equal shares.) I doubt if this was a one-time occurrence. In the meantime, I worked for my room and board; I fully realized that the work I could do was my only value.
My mother died ten days after I was born; I was her parents only grandchild. Grandpa died when I was 5-6 and Grandma died when I was nine. Incidentally, my other grandma raised me until I was almost four. My dad basically dumped me on her. My father did not give her any money to cover her additional expense. However, he mowed her lawn and worked up her garden. She was seventy when I was born so my being there was a huge load for her. Grandma is responsible for my resilience and common sense. She taught me to be a strong woman by her example. I will always love her. By the way, I think my dad and I blamed each other for my mother’s death. However, he refused to give me up for adoption to some of his friends.
Money and Me: Thank God for Grandparents!
Grandma Rambow died when I was sixteen. I was devastated. I was both her daughter and grand-daughter! My father turned to hating her because she hadn’t made a will to give him the farm free and clear. He had four siblings; they sold the farm and the money was divided equally. Earl broke with the entire family and said they were all dead to him.
He said I was a traitor because I stayed in touch with my favorite cousin! The kindest thing he ever said about me was, “You’re nothing but a damn fool; they can see you coming!” His second wife was no better! She said that “not enough bad stuff could ever happen to me to satisfy her!” She hated me for my thick curly blonde hair and long fingers that didn’t get stained from peeling and cutting beets! Seriously! Not my doing. Looking back, I think she was deep in her own pain and didn’t realize how sensitive I was. Who knows?? I’ve come to realize that she was in horrible mental/spiritual pain and I doubt she ever got any resolution. She lashed out.
A Thorough Job of Verbal Abuse!
Incidentally, they said I was hateful and unlovable! I should spend my life alone because no one should ever have to put up with me. Consequently, you can just imagine how exciting my love-life has been! That story deserves its own novel! I suppose I will always wonder if they knew what they were doing to me?? In the wife’s case, I’m sure some of it was deliberate. She finally admitted when I was seventeen that she hated me! As if I didn’t know. However, forgiveness has done wonders; things that therapy and drugs could not fix. Still, I will continue trying to improve my world view for the rest of my life. The sad thing is that I know I’m not alone and that there are many cases of far worse abuse! What is wrong with people?
You may not agree, but I believe it goes back to Adam and Eve. After all, the second generation already included murder! Hatred and jealousy manifests itself in so many ways. What happened to families where the parents tried to mold children into happy, useful, productive and caring people? Adults who would improve the world, or at least the neighborhood? People who were prepared to deal with all facets of life? Perhaps even provide guidance and leadership? Think about how far we have strayed from those values!
Goodbye Grandma; Goodbye Love!
In the mean time, my maternal grandma died when I was nine and left everything she owned to me. I had a farm in South Dakota, a house in Paxton, Illinois and half a farm near Paxton that she owned with her sister. Eventually, my father, as guardian, sold everything. However, I would have kept someplace to be my home.
The Probate Judge set up my father as my guardian. Earl said the inheritance should have been his, as the son-in-law. He liked to call me, “poor little rich girl!” He had told his brother that he would no longer support me since I had all that money! My needs were paid through the estate. Medical expenses, clothing, bedroom furniture, and even many of my groceries! Moreover, I paid for two family cars and all the costs of upkeep and gas! My dad said to never tell anyone about the money because that would be the only reason anyone was interested in me. Needless to say, he told everyone while I kept it quiet.
The judge did approve of my going to college, even though my dad didn’t want me to go. (To waste the money) By the time I turned twenty-one, there was only a third of the money left. However, I had my education but I was terrified! of facing life. So terribly unconfident!
Some of Our Choices Aren’t Helpful!
I got a double major in Chemistry and Biology in hopes of becoming a registered medical technologist. That didn’t work out as I had to drop out of the internship because of repeated serious back trouble. I finally had surgery a year later. I later received a fellowship grant to work on my Masters in Chemistry but I didn’t have enough confidence to even try. Can you understand why? No matter what I said I wanted to do with my life, my parents said, “Oh, you can’t do that!” They did a thorough job of brainwashing me to believe I was worthless! Sometimes, I think that had I been more greedy myself, I might have made better choices as to making a comfortable living. Hence, I’ll be working until I die. That is fine as long as I can physically pull it off! Besides, I want to be productive!
What Do YOU Think Now? Can You Relate?
Incidentally, if you have a similar history, I hope you can unravel your past and make improvements, where you see they are needed. Soul-searching is important and can bring lots of healing. In addition, prayer and a lot of Bible-reading can show you who you really are in God’s eyes. His opinion counts far more than how other people see you. He sees our value. He created each one of us for a specific reason. Moreover, any other past or history would not have gotten us to this point. He has put it all together; He is mostly satisfied with the results. However, I expect “He’s still working on me,” as the song says.
Therefore, we can appreciate ourselves. Not that there isn’t room for improvement; we can always become better people. However, a tortured past doesn’t mean we are broken or damaged. God can use us at any stage of life. By the way, perhaps sharing your story would help someone else; or writing it might just release you from the past. Often it is our very struggle that motivates some other suffering soul! I don’t think it’s ever too late to begin healing.
Looking Forward
Forgiveness is important and possible. I spent decades thinking that was impossible. However, I know now that my parents were humans, just like the rest of us. They lashed out because they hurt too. Sadly, I don’t think either of them ever resolved their pasts. They repeated what they knew. Now, I have better skills for dealing with things too. Sometimes, I wish I could sit down and talk with them, especially my step-mother. I’ve come to think that she never had anyone to understand her. Or even listen. However, it’s too late now. Judging from her behavior, I’m sure she really suffered. Give the adults from your past the benefit of the doubt; they were possibly doing the best they knew. Forgiveness can reduce the power of past pain. Don’t let the past hold you back; disarm it!
If you are young and dealing with attitudes like these, hang in there and be strong. Do not allow any abuse. However, keep looking for lessons you can learn from the situation. Find someone to talk to so you hear another world view. A more Biblical and kinder world view. Moreover, seek out the best counselor you can find. Those of us who struggle with our pasts are actually the people who will eventually make a difference for others. However, only if we share our journeys. Just putting it on paper is truly cathartic. A truly beautiful thing would be to restore those relationships where possible; depending on the severity of the split.
You Can Have a Happy Ending! Money and Me or You
Rory Ricord, our founder, sees that many of us have the wrong idea about money. We are unable to wrap our heads around possible success and abundance. Therefore, he assigned us homework to look at where our attitudes come from. However, I like to write so – that’s what I do. I just want you do do the same homework! If a different mindset would help you with your life or business, start working on those changes now.
Consequently, I’m glad I wrote this, l even though it contains the good, the bad and the ugly. Moreover, we all have something we can improve! Don’t think you’re alone! Just be glad you have the opportunity to make things-and you-better. I have lots of work to do and it will take lots of time! I believe we are all struggling with something. Thank God for extra time! (Covid nearly took me out in February 2021! I was found unconscious in my kitchen! I Lost 8 days.) Finally, I value life! Mine!
What Advice Would You Give Your Younger Self?
Every now and then, someone throws that question out for us to consider? Actually, I’m not sure the question even deserves an answer! It might help you do some soul-searching. However, NOW is what is important. Now and tomorrow! Meanwhile, use your yesterdays to help you understand the Now. We are not promised tomorrow, so work on making today the best day you can imagine. Throw all the lies that you heard away; you want the truth from here on out! Those lies held you back. That is the path to success. In addition, there is another famous quote, “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?”
Before it’s Too Late!
Parents, grandparent, and other relatives; this is for you! If you hear any truly unkind words coming out of your mouth regularly towards the children in your lives, restrain yourself! Please remember that those children just can’t filter things and what you say will shape their world view and attitudes. A heartfelt apology and gentle discussion will work wonders too. Don’t drive those kids you love away with cruel words. You are the only folks who can stop this harm. Think about the kind of people you want your children to become as adults. Meanwhile, nothing means as much as, “I love you!”
So was it all bad? Definitely not. There were moments that stand out in my mind as good. There were qualities in both my father and his second wife that were good. Things that changed my life for the better. Perhaps I owe both of them a few “Thank yous!”
Certainly, I’ve rambled but hopefully one sentence will make sense to you and help you move forward with your life. Sort out the misinformation in your own life and replace it with truth. Truth that will set you free to move on to success in whatever aspect of your life where necessary.
Incidentally, we all need help from time to time. Could you use a little motivation? I’m recommending two great sources: First, the book of Proverbs; second, Jim Rohn’s inspirational quotes.
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